As a closet David Attenborough fan, I feel inspired by his observational approach to the study of wild savages and wondered what they could teach me about the London looters. Here's what I observed:
2:00pm- Rolls out of bed.Ponders having a shower, decides against it.
3:00pm- Left over Morley's for breakfast:two ribs, six hot wings and chips. Tasty.
3:15pm- Waddles over to TV, puts on Channel U. Major distraction as one of the 30 kids makes racket. Hurls remote. Misses,hits wall.
4:15pm- Spends hour attempting to repair the remote. Gives up. (batteries in the wrong way round)
6:00pm- Getting very agitated now, remote still not fixed, has already missed Jeremy Kyle. Needs motive for tonight.
6:15pm- BlackBerry reads: “Cum out 2nite fam, goin out on da loot in endz, cum gt r tax bck, its politikal!”. Agrees with concept.Begins to get ready.
7:30pm- Now fully dressed: Nike Air Max 95's, black G-Star combats, black tee, Adidas hoody, black bandanna, Nike workout gloves, 'Prada' shades.Leaves house.
8.30pm- Bus arrives in local town center. Atmosphere is tense. Meets fellow hard done by political activists. Everyone gets a spud.
9.00pm- Someone suggests burning cars and buses. Sounds worth it. Every bus and car in sight is torched. Marvels at the sight of flames and explosions.
10:30pm- Minor scuffle with police. Sadly, 'Prada' shades didn't make it. The desire for a tax rebate is now much stronger.
1:00am- Carries out on urges. Helped oneself to the contents of Dixon's, Curry’s, JD Sports and Footlocker as well as hair shops and KFC. Duffel bag now filled to the brim with gear. Including weave for the wifey.
2:00am- Makes way to catch night bus home. Is spotted by fellow political activists.
2:30am- Tense debate ensues.Forced to hand over nearly all of loot to political friends. Waits for bus with only weave,KFC boxes and baby wipes still in possession.
4:30am- Finally realizes he torched the bus home. Decides to walk.